the end of the year

 im too lazy to make those recap 2024 vids so heres a summary of how my year went

this year started off almost quite badly - i had a major fight with one of my family members for three months until i finally gave in and reached out to that person first. during the three months life felt so incomplete and wrong, i starved myself since i refused to get out of my room, i felt trapped inside my own house, i became gloomy and i hated myself more than anything else. thats when i knew and thought, “how long am i gonna live like this?” so i made up my mind and talked to that person again - i asked for some money.

its not life if theres no ups and downs. this year, i made more friends, read more books, grew my followers on twitter, hung out with my loved ones frequently, did all my hobbies, achieved more awards, made the right decisions, bought myself jjk merchandises, wrote more poems, cut off negativities and for the first time in my 17 years of living, i celebrated my birthday with my bestfriends. i am beyond grateful for everything that happened. i also got sick, stopped talking to my comfort person, felt down, got rid of my bad habits, became someones augustine, dorothea and lacy, had my own lacy, (im sorry if you dont get the pop references but i wont elaborate) failed my exams, got over comfortable, had some ugly thoughts, cried myself to sleep and still i am grateful even for these unpleasant events. they taught me to mature up and change myself for the better.

academically, i wasnt doing really well. my hyperfixations distracted me a lot and though i felt happy indulging myself in them, this couldnt last forever. thank god jjk ended (though it was a rushed and unsatisfying ending) now im able to focus on my studies more. i started going to tuitions after i got my trial results too #ilovepts unexpectedly met my old friend there lol (you know who you are)

overall, from the scale one to ten id rate 2024 a solid eight. its crazy thinking about the times when i told to myself “i wont make it past seventeen” and “i cant see myself growing older than seventeen.” now here am i. alive. breathing. healthy. happy. loved. couldnt say that i became a better person but at least im not slacking in my ibadah as a muslim. alhamdulillah ala kulli hal. for 2025, i want to be the best version of myself. get good spm results and make my parents cry tears of joy. the rest? ill just follow the flow and drag myself to wherever life wants me to be. 

heres a trashy poem as a closing note.

i am made of everyone and everything that i love

i took small pieces of the memories snd sculpted them

till they become the shape of my heart

gently

i hold and put it in the place where my heart should be

as it is the sole proof that i am alive

for my heart is continuously beating

and it is made of everyone and everything that i love